How To Find Love

We are lovable just the way we are

We are lovable just the way we are.

I gaze at her and I smile. I feel a  sense of warmth in my heart, a kind of contentment, gratitude and joy. She is all  that I ever dreamed of and all that I want. I love what I see, I love what I have. I hold her so close to my heart. I bow deeply in gratitude and thank the heavens for such a beautiful gift. She is the love of my life, and  most of all, my best friend.

Well, such words seldom come from a trans person. Yes, most of us struggle with love and romance. Not because we are not good at it, but you get entangled with so much when you walk into romance. Your identity, sexuality, history, transition and so much more. Acceptance and acknowledgement is what we crave. We spend all our lives looking for these. Since we are diverse, it becomes even harder. More often than not, we feel obliged to explain ourselves to those we meet as friends and potential lovers. Describing our unconventional childhood, our transitioning blah blah blah…Some are shocked and walk away. Others judge us right away telling us how we are breaking the ‘laws’ and we are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished. Some attack us verbally and physically. Some shame us. And the few beautiful souls would look into our eyes and whisper “you are a valid human being. You are okay just the way you are” embracing us with acceptance, love and understanding. What we pray and hope for.

In as much as we all want love at the end of it all, we have different ways of looking for it. And most of us, whether cisgender or transgender, look for love in all the wrong places! We look for love without, outside ourselves. We search so hard for someone to love us, to appreciate us, to tell us that we matter, that we are important, to tell us we are beautiful in all ways. We would do anything just to have some shreds of tenderness. Sometimes we beg; “please love me, please stay”, we blackmail; “if you leave me, I’ll kill myself”, we lower our standards and negotiate; “I’ll be quite, less dramatic, I’ll smile more, I’ll be thinner, I’ll add weight, I’ll be anything you want me to be, just stay and love me”……name them. Obviously this strategy don’t work in the long run. They either leave us, or agree to stay and control us, and in the end we are the ones who walk away since we can’t bear it anymore.

We move from one person to another, anticipating to find a relationship that will work out perfectly. Something that would bring peace to our hearts and souls. But we wind up with a chain of disastrous relationships. The culmination of every relationship brings so much turmoil. Our hearts wrench in pain. We get depressed, we cry, we whine. Some of us throw hands in the air and give up. We lock that part of us that feels, we numb it and put it away. We journey through life like robots. Others numb only the positive feelings; we walk around with so much bitterness and anger. Lashing it out at anyone who crosses our path. We push people away, then wonder why no one seem to care. We build our impenetrable  walls so high and thick that no love would penetrate. We see everything as a fib. We feel everyone is out there to get us, to use us, to hurt us.

But what’s the way forward? How do we find the love that we yearn for? Personally I feel we are all capable of finding love and understanding; experience the purest and most satisfying love and romance. We just need to look in the right places, to face the right direction. That is, inwards. The journey begins inwards, inside ourselves. We give so much to the world and forget that the key person who truly needs all that all is us first. Just the same way we can’t give what we don’t have, we can’t receive what we can’t give ourselves. We have to grant ourselves what we desire from other people.

The majority of us treat ourselves so dreadfully, in a way that we would never treat anyone else. We are so hard on ourselves and beat up ourselves on every little thing we do. We tell ourselves; “you are unlovable, you are unworthy, you are not good enough, you’re a freak of nature”. Who would want to associate with such a person? Give yourself all the love in the world. Let them call you selfish. Tell yourself “I am beautiful, I am lovable, I accept myself….” and watch the world do the same. You have to accept yourself before someone else accepts you. You have to love yourself before someone else can love you, you have to give yourself everything you are looking for outside. When you love and accept yourself, what anyone says about you won’t matter that much. When someone rejects you, it won’t hurt that much. Also you’ll attract those who love you and appreciate you just the way you are….

This has worked for me in the long run. Feel free to share what works for you in the comment sector

Sending love your way

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